Sacramento launches rebranding initiative

We are pleased to announce a complete and total organizational rebrand, effective immediately. To signify our awareness of the changing times and newer aspects of daily life which have come to redefine the glorious, dry state of California, we are pleased to unveil ourselves for the first time as Sacramento Drought Football Club.

"As California's capitol city, Sacramento should represent all of the most poignant aspects of the state. We feel the best way to do this and be more culturally relevant is to recognize the most powerful part of current California culture: the statewide drought," said Sacramento Drought FC owner John Nunan. "Under our new image, SDFC will continue to be a part everyday life for the people of Sacramento for many years to come. Unlike, hopefully, the drought itself."

The new Drought crest reflects this in a number of symbolic ways. The main body is that of the Sun, shining down its light upon the city of Sacramento while baking everyone and anything in its intense heat, which is less and less frequently interrupted by clouds or rain. All other bits of the crest -- much like everything that takes place in the state -- is in front of the massive, blazing hot sun.

This isn't to say the bits inside the sun aren't important, too. The background of the circle is made to look like a vast wave of light on a dry, desert floor, which is what California is certain to look like if this drought keeps up. The club has done away with its old, out-of-date font and replaced it with a new, trendy font meant to appeal to millennials. The soccer ball serves as a "sun within a sun," casting its shadow on the barren landscape. The team's new slogan, "Non Aqua in California," is pretty self-explanatory.

The new crest is joined by a new series of uniforms, the tops of which can be viewed above. The new unis have arrived and will be worn starting with the Drought's next home game, Saturday, April 2 against CD Aguiluchos USA at Capital Christian High School.

In addition to the aesthetic changes, the Drought will be implementing a series of club practices and bylaws with the sole purpose of doing what all Californians should have done several years ago and are being asked to do by state officials now: conserve water. For example, from today until the end of the season, Drought FC will not wash any part of the team uniforms -- shirts, shorts, socks, underwear, and especially shin guards. As the uniforms turn more brown from the residual sweat and dirt, they will reflect the decision to limit watering days and having lawns turn brown.

Sacramento's home stadium at Capital Christian is made of artificial turf, which means it does not need to be watered and thus will not turn brown. No water will be consumed by Drought players during practice or games, either. Instead, mothers of the players will take turns preparing orange slices for the team to consume. While no water will be sold at home games anymore, NPSL rules mandate water be provided for officials and opposing teams. So, the Drought will provide a large amount of recycled water from the bathrooms of the high school.

This is merely the first of a series of changes we will implement as the season goes on, in the hopes of making Sacramento Drought FC as relevant, powerful, and long-lasting as the weather phenomenon for which its named.

Actually, no it isn't, because all of the above is completely untrue. April Fools, everyone!